Venting time!!

Okay, so I've been wanting to write this blog post for the past 2 days. Since my hubby and I have been trying to conceive, everytime I start my period, I get down for a day or so and then it goes away and I start getting excited again. Well, this time is a little different. I just found out one of my co-workers is pregnant. And she wasn't super happy about it which is even worse. It was so hard to keep in how I felt at that moment. I wanted to cry. I felt happy for her but her whole reaction was "stressed" and "grumpy". I've been wanting a baby for 8 cycles now and it's just not happening right now. For some reason, I'm not getting pregnant. It hurts a lot. I know a lot of other women have it worse than me right now and they have been trying for years and nothing. It just makes me want a baby that much more!!! I've been in a funk for the past couple days because of this and I wish I wasn't. I talked to my mom and she totally made me feel better and can understand why I was upset and sad. My hubby understood too but he always tells me to think positive and don't let it get you down. Everything is meant to be and you will be pregnant. I know that's what I need to hear but right now I DON'T WANT TO HEAR THAT!!!! What if I don't get pregnant? What if something is wrong with me? I don't know if I will get pregnant right now and it absolutely TERRIFIES me. I just don't understand, why me? Why can't I get pregnant right away? Oh yeah, that's right. Because I WANT to be a mom and be pregnant and enjoy being pregnant and ready to start a family. 

I've decided to get my cards read just to get some answers maybe. I know they won't tell me "yes" or "no" answers but maybe point me in the right direction. I told my hubby last night I want to go places, go on roller coasters, have fun and not think about getting pregnant anymore. I feel like it's taking over my mind and I can't get it out. No matter how hard I try it just won't leave. Everyone says, "Don't think about it Megan it will come trust me". I CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT IT! EASIER SAID THAN DONE!!! How do women that want to have a child just stop thinking about it? They don't. So I think going on mini vacations, going to amusement parks or anything will help. Sitting at home is not the way to go. It just starts festering in my mind even more and makes me go crazy. Every time hubby and I DTD, I automatically start thinking, "come on sperm lets go!!!". Get that egg!! EVERY SINGLE TIME.

So, my mom sent me this daily prayer that I think is going to help me every day. I have to read it every day and just live my life. Negativity is not escaping my brain at the moment and every time I start to think positive, those evil thoughts come creeping back into my mind again. WHY? Sometimes I wish I wasn't so emotional. But, that will never change. I will always be emotional no matter what. I need to put it out in the universe that I will get pregnant when I'm supposed to get pregnant. And just let it go. Put it out there every single day and then move on. PLEASE.

So, this is the email that my mom sent me last night. I love her so much and the time that I needed her, she was there for me and that me so happy. 

**Today I will allow myself to be surprised by God.  I will invite and welcome the miracles which are so effortless to the divine mind.

I will be open to the greatness and generosity, to the unparalleled imagination.

I will respond with gratitude and dwell in the light of wonder.

Keep this.  Print it.  Write it down.  Say it every day.  You may notice some changes. 

I love you.

Mom

Maybe one day I will get to know the feeling of seeing those 2 pink lines on that test, know the feeling of seeing a heartbeat on the monitor, of feeling those first kicks in my belly and last but not least, get to look into my beautiful baby's eyes and know that it's a part of me forever. 

xoxo

MJ :)

Thinking this is going to be a loooonngg process

I am not as down as I was last time (which is weird). My cycle was 35 days again this time. I thought for sure this month was it. Felt a little bit different but I'm so tired of trying to think "maybe this is how pregnancy feels??" I was talking to my co-workers yesterday and today and they are so excited for me and are keeping me in their thoughts. They know I want this pregnancy and today I finally realized it's going to be a long journey for me. I'm on the fence about taking ovulation tests. I do like knowing when I ovulate and it does make calculating my cycles and when I should take a pregnancy test a lot easier. This cycle, I didn't really know when i ovulated, when I was going to start my period and if I should wait to take a pregnancy test. Since my cycles are so screwy, I've decided I'm going to go back to taking ovulation tests BUT I'm not telling my hubby when. It stresses him out too much and doesn't perform as well as normal. Well, on to the 8th cycle. We are attending one of our friend's wedding next weekend and I'm getting drunk!!  LOL. I'm trying not to think this way but I'm thinking I will need to make a call to a doctor soon. I'm hoping that I don't. 

xoxo

MJ :)