2nd time around

Look what I got this morning....

So fucking scared....

So, I just had an MRI done on Friday to check out my uterus shape and I was supposed to start AF Saturday and it didn't come so I tested this morning and this is what I got. I'm terrified right now. I just don't know how to feel or think. I'm scared my body is going to reject this baby again. I'm scared that it's another blighted ovum. I'm scared of getting another ultrasound and nothing. I'M SO SCARED.

I hate this feeling...I'll never have that naive happy feeling about pregnancy again. I just don't want to feel that sadness again.

I'm hoping I can find out tomorrow what the results were from the MRI. If it's bicornuate uterus, then it's going to be scary and high chances of me miscarrying in the 2nd trimester. If it's septate, then there's a chance of it implanting on the bad part and not getting any nutrients and I'll end up miscarrying. I have jury duty tomorrow and I had my first appt scheduled so I'm going to have to reschedule it once I'm done with jury duty....great timing right??

So many thoughts going through my head and it won't stop...I'm trying so hard to think positive and hope that I'll be able to finally hold a baby in my arms...

But I'm not holding my breath.

Please God let this be true and good.

XOXO
Megan J

Update..and can't believe I'm still writing in this blog over 3 years later

Well, here I am, over 3 years later after we first started TTC, and still no baby. It's kind of hard to believe but nope, it's true. It's so weird and totally not how I envisioned my life.

Well anyways, I wanted to update my TTC life. I went to the OB/GYN for my yearly well women's appt last week and talked to my doc about what we should do next. She told me that my hubs sperm is actually normal and they had a meeting with a "sperm" doctor and found out new findings of what "healthy" sperm is and what not. So we can cross that off the list, thank god. Also, she wants me to get an MRI of my uterus to get a final answer if it's a bicornuate uterus or a septate uterus. She also wants me to get an ultrasound done for my kidneys. She told me that if the uterus is shaped differently that sometimes the kidneys are too. So, I need to get those scheduled and find out the results from that. If its a bicornuate like I thought from last year, then we start IUI treatment. It's not going to be covered most likely since it is infertility treatments. They will do it 3 times and if we arent' pregnant after the 3rd time, then the doc will refer me to a fertility specialist and go from there. She did let me know the risks of having BU and the possibility of miscarriage goes way up. Yippee. If my uterus is a septate uterus, then I will need to have the septum ressection surgery and then start IUI treatments. I know it sounds bad, but I'm kinda hoping its a septate uterus because if I did get pregnant, it wouldn't be a higher percentage of having a miscarriage because it would be like a normal uterus. But I just have this feeling that it's bicornuate. I don't know....

So, as of right now, I just need to get the MRI and ultrasound done and find out the results from that and go from there. Hubs and I decided that if we do the IUI treatments and don't get pregnant from that, then that's it for ttc. We will then move on to adoption. I don't want to go through IVF and spend so much money on it. But, I'm jumping ahead as usual, so first things first.

I can't believe I'll be 31 years old in 3 months and still not a Mom. Ho hum....

Until next time,
Megan xoxo

Feeling like I will never get to be a Mom....

So, I've been kinda down today and been thinking a lot lately. Since the last time I wrote, the "getting figured out" part of Hubs and I have stopped. We both weren't working and we have no money for infertility shit right now. Hubs actually just got a new job on Tuesday and I start my new job on Monday so there are good things for us in the future. I'm excited for what's to come for both of our careers. But, you know what I still think about ALL THE TIME??? You guessed it...wanting to be a Mom. It's still there in my heart and brain every day..."will I ever be pregnant...will I ever have a family?" Nowadays, I just don't know if it's going to happen. TTC since February of 2012 with 1 loss is exhausting just thinking about it. I think I've just come to the realization that if we are unable to have children by the time I'm 35, I think we will be moving on and living our life without children. I have a fucked up uterus. Hubs has fucked up sperm. Maybe it's just not in the cards for us. We are in a little bit of debt and adoption is too expensive.  Nothing we can do about it.

I just feel so drained and done. We haven't been TTC for awhile now but we are definitely not preventing and DTD around the time I usually O. I stopped doing OPK tests because does it really fucking matter? And right now, I'm on CD 18 and no O yet. I have a feeling it's going to be one of my infamous long cycles this time..yippee. I'm just so done with this and honestly, I don't even care anymore. It's so depressing the thought of never becoming a Mom and my dreams just vanishing and being completely demolished. Yeah, maybe this is how our "path" is supposed to be and this is just how it is for us..but you know what??? It fucking sucks. And I'm so tired. I just wish that I could see those 2 pink lines, give birth to a healthy happy heart beating baby and just have a family. That's all that I want...is that too much to ask?? I guess it is for me. I'm not greedy...one would be amazing at this point.

But, I guess it's just not meant to be. UGH. Whatever. I guess I'll just never be a Mom. Hope is diminishing slowly but surely. It will be sooner rather than later that it's time to move on.

Update on Infertility

Wow it's been a few months since I've last written an entry! Kind of taking a break for awhile from TTC. Well I wanted to give a little update on what has been going on for us. Last week, Hubs and I decided it was time for us to take the next steps and get the sperm analysis test done and the HSG test done for me. Hubs went in on Monday and we found out his results. He has really good numbers except for his morphology which is how it was last time. It was at 5% and the normal is anything above 14%. Not sure how that can get any better. Then, I had my HSG test on Friday and found out I have whats called a Bicornuate Uterus which basically means I have a heart shaped uterus. The doctor who did the test said that it's not horrible news but it's not the best either. My tubes were clear which was a good sign. I did some of my own research when I got home of course and found out different stories with a BU. Most of them do say you are high risk and women tend to miscarry in the 2nd trimester. BUT, I'm not going to let this get to me. It's definitely bittersweet. It's nice to know that there is something that's going on for both of us but at the same time, I wish we both had no issues and could get pregnant without any problems. But, that wasn't the hand that was dealt to us and we just have to accept that. There's nothing we can do about it now. 

So, now I'm just waiting for my OB's office to call me and set up an appointment with my doctor to go over our results and see what our next steps are. I have so many feelings going on in my head right now and just don't know what to do. There's a part of me that is now super scared to get pregnant. I don't want to have to go through another miscarriage ESPECIALLY if it is in the 2nd trimester. Absolutely terrifies me. Then, there's another part of me that thinks everything will be okay if I do get pregnant. Tons of women get pregnant with a BU and deliver a full term baby with no issues. They just have to be monitored more often and are considered "high risk". Then, there's another part of me that thinks, maybe we are meant to adopt? Maybe that's our calling! I have a weird uterus, Hubs has weird sperm, maybe it's not meant to be that I get pregnant. I just don't know. So many emotions that I'm feeling and so much to take in right now. I guess once we see my doctor and get the next steps, we can make more of a decision on the route we want to take in regards to having children. 

We told my Mom and both of his parents about our situation. We definitely get the understanding from his side because my husband is adopted and his parents went through the exact same thing. So they totally get what we are going through right now. But, my Mom has a different approach. She made a joke when I first told her about my uterus that I was a big freak. Say what?? She said she was just kidding but that really hurt my feelings. I just got news that isn't that great and you make a joke like that? Thanks Mom. And I know it's just her way of taking the news and not really knowing what to say to me. I mean, she has no idea what I'm going through right now. She got pregnant no problem with me at 21 years old. And then she got pregnant when I was 5 or 6 and had an abortion. And here I am, almost 30 years old, and having all the issues I do. I just wish my Mom was more sensitive to how frustrating infertility is and just be there for me. I mean, she did end up saying better things later but it still is a let down that my Mom is so insensitive about the situation. But, nothing I can do about it!

So, to end, I will update once we see my doctor and get more answers. Until then!

XOXO
Megan

Poem

So, I saw this poem today on babycenter and had to post it in my blog today. I feel like this exactly. But, there is a part of me that isn't so sure anymore that I will be a Mom. Trying to ignore it and stay positive but it's hard. Here is the poem.

“Thoughts on Becoming a Mother”

There are women that become mothers without effort,
without thought, without patience or loss
and though they are good mothers and love their children,
I know that I will be better.
I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books
but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited.
I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.
Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation
are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my little child.
I will take time to watch her sleep, explore and discover.
I will marvel at this miracle everyday for the rest of my life.
I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of her cry,
knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed her
and not waking to a cry of broken dream, for my DREAM will be crying for me.
I consider myself lucky in this sense;
that God has given me insight, this special vision
with which I will look upon her unlike any one else.
I will NOT be careless of my LOVE.
I have been trialed by fire and hell that others may have faced,
yet given time, and 9 months, I stood tall.
I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.
When I see others hurt around me,
I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort.
I see it, mourn it, and join in theirs.
I listen.
And even though I cannot make it better,
I can make it less lonely.
I have learned that immense power of another hand holding tight to mine,
of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth
and when life is beyond hard.
I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.
I have learned to appreciate my life.

....YES! I will Be a Wonderful Mother...

-------------AUTHOR UNKNOWN

I just don't understand my body!!!! GRRR....

So, last time I wrote, I was expecting to see AF on 3/13. Well she never showed up. But, I knew that I never ovulated. No BB pain, none of my normal symptoms I get after I O. Well, the 13th came and went and of course, stupid me, I took a PG test and what do you know? Negative. Of course it is. So, now it's a week later and still no signs of O, no signs of AF and of course no signs of being pregnant. WHY DOES THIS HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING DIFFICULT???? I'm so frustrated with my body right now. Why is this happening? Why can't I just fucking ovulate like a normal person every month and just get pregnant already???? At this point, I don't even want to have sex anymore. I feel so bad but DH feels exactly the same way. We both don't get it and are super frustrated and just absolutely FED UP!! I've taken a couple OPK tests and of course negative. I've had EWCM though for like 3 weeks!!!!!!!! But it doesn't matter seeing as how I can't fucking ovulate!!!

I'm just so angry, frustrated, and absolutely at the breaking point of TTC. I just feel lately that it's just probably not going to happen for us. We aren't lucky. We don't have it easy. And it just plain fucking sucks!!

I'm done. I don't know how much more I can take of this shit.

More updates

Okay well I have some new updates....
Since the last time I wrote, I got the blood work done and it all came back normal. Then, I got my well woman exam done and met with my new OB. She was very nice and I sat in her office and went over my history and what the next steps are. She told me I will need to get an HSG test done and Hubs will need to get another SA test done since the last one was in November it might have changed since then. Well woman exam came back normal which is always nice.

So, last week, Dr.'s office called and said that my insurace does not cover anything infertility which I figured would be the case. So, I found out from the imaging center that the HSG test is $610 for cash patients and the SA test is $265. YIKES!! Definitely a bit of a let down. Another road block to put up in our way. GRRRR....

So, I did find out my credit card company is offering 0% interest for 9 months so I think that will be the way to go for paying for these 2 tests. It's so DAMN expensive!! I hate that most HMO insurance companies don't cover infertility. It's ridiculous. And NOT FAIR!!

Anyways, so right now, I'm thinking I'm about 7dpo but the weird thing is that normally after I ovulate, I get really sore BBs and start breaking out everywhere. But right now none of that is happening. BB's don't hurt at all and no acne. I'm thinking I probably didn't ovulate yet and it's one of those weird cycles for me again. Grrrr. Plus, I'm sick right now too so I'm thinking that's throwing it off too. Well I guess we will find out for sure next week when AF is due. Kind of up in the air right now. Story of my life.

So, as for the HSG test, they want me to get it done on CD9 and CD1 should be next Thursday so pretty quick! Maybe that will be the answer that we need to get pregnant?!?! Please!

I will update after that!

Megan J
xoxo