So, I've been kinda down today and been thinking a lot lately. Since the last time I wrote, the "getting figured out" part of Hubs and I have stopped. We both weren't working and we have no money for infertility shit right now. Hubs actually just got a new job on Tuesday and I start my new job on Monday so there are good things for us in the future. I'm excited for what's to come for both of our careers. But, you know what I still think about ALL THE TIME??? You guessed it...wanting to be a Mom. It's still there in my heart and brain every day..."will I ever be pregnant...will I ever have a family?" Nowadays, I just don't know if it's going to happen. TTC since February of 2012 with 1 loss is exhausting just thinking about it. I think I've just come to the realization that if we are unable to have children by the time I'm 35, I think we will be moving on and living our life without children. I have a fucked up uterus. Hubs has fucked up sperm. Maybe it's just not in the cards for us. We are in a little bit of debt and adoption is too expensive. Nothing we can do about it.
I just feel so drained and done. We haven't been TTC for awhile now but we are definitely not preventing and DTD around the time I usually O. I stopped doing OPK tests because does it really fucking matter? And right now, I'm on CD 18 and no O yet. I have a feeling it's going to be one of my infamous long cycles this time..yippee. I'm just so done with this and honestly, I don't even care anymore. It's so depressing the thought of never becoming a Mom and my dreams just vanishing and being completely demolished. Yeah, maybe this is how our "path" is supposed to be and this is just how it is for us..but you know what??? It fucking sucks. And I'm so tired. I just wish that I could see those 2 pink lines, give birth to a healthy happy heart beating baby and just have a family. That's all that I want...is that too much to ask?? I guess it is for me. I'm not greedy...one would be amazing at this point.
But, I guess it's just not meant to be. UGH. Whatever. I guess I'll just never be a Mom. Hope is diminishing slowly but surely. It will be sooner rather than later that it's time to move on.
